Hidden place to be myself.

I never post so I figure this can be a good place to vent my feelings at the moment. Right now I'm feeling like I've been completely let down. I thought I had something in my life that was incredible and couldn't be touched. Well I was wrong once again. Apparently I'm not that lucky. Turns out I am just like everyone else in this world and I have to deal with disappointment. Tonight my disappointment is in myself. And in my partner but I'm trying to be the bigger person here and claim the responsibility for things going to crap. I am a dreamer. I am a planning, itinerary, organization loving freak! I like to speculate how things are going to turn out and I like to dream about my future home and life and accomplishment. Big and small. This is something that no guy I've ever dated has liked about me. I'm not trying to say that everything I want has to become a reality, but it will come into my life in some form or another. Let's say I want to have an all blue kitchen. I saw a picture of a kitchen in a magazine when I was like 14 and I LOVED this kitchen. I even cut it out and out it in a time capsule somewhere. At the time I probably didn't have any room for someone else's opinion on having a blue kitchen. Now having lived in a few places I realize having a completely blue kitchen would be a little bit dramatic and I've changed a lot of my ideas. What I'm trying to say is when I get an idea in my head it may seem at first that I set my ideas in stone. But I have learn a lot about compromise and that building something with someone is a lot more fun than doing it on your own. What do you do when the person you feel like you're supposed to love the most starts to make you feel like you're not good enough? unfortunately I know the answer to that question. I hope this ins't the case in this situation but I'm getting tired of apologizing for being myself. I'm a strong, stubborn, opinionated, controlling, moody, passionate, organization loving, planning obsessed dreamer! I love myself and everything about me. If you don't then beat it! and quit trying to change me or squash my dreams. I'm over it!

a new found fun thing to do!

rabbit trails on blogs! one of my new favorite things to do. I just added a few of my favorite blogs from Janel's favorites over to mine. I love clicking on someone I love to read and look at and then picking a new one from their favorite list, and so on and so forth. I'm hoping by doing this and raving about it on Facebook to some of my friends I can spread this little joy. I know a lot of you already do this but hey! I've been on an Island for five years! I was not in the "loop" :) So to my Hawaii friends that I'm sending this out to I hope you are inspired to be creative as I know most of you already are and desire to be more! Love you!

And here are some things that my inspiring sister Janel has made. I hope to follow in her footsteps and get some of these skills to rub off on me :)

Apron making skills,

Cake pop making skills,

(if you'd like to know what cake pops are, well let me tell you! delicious balls of cake and frosting rolled into balls and covered with delicious chocolate and decorated to cuteness perfection!)

Cake decorating skills!

more cake decorating skills!

and yes Pie making skills! those are mini cherry pies on sticks! What the!

She also has rediculous amounts of other skills such as making gourmet popcorn, she does hair and she sings and loves her 5 kids to the ends of the earth! Man this blog has turned into how much I love my sister! haha, not hard to do though :) But once you log on to my blog you can check out her blog as well. See we're back to where we started, rabbit trails! So much fun, but make sure you've got a few minutes, or hours. :)

the count down

So the count down begins, beginning with 19 days. Being that I'm less than a month and starting to ACTUALLY feel like I can't stand this anymore I figured I'm "allowed" to start counting down. Any sooner would have been too painful. I'm ready. done, stick a fork in me, DING! Janel and I went to a birthing class this morning and I was the farthest along out of everyone!!! I almost felt bad for the girls that were like 25 weeks. But I honestly can't believe how fast it all really has gone by.

So this is me between 16-20ish weeks. I was feeling like a cow! hahaha. But I was feeling the little flutterings and small moves. And I was going somewhere with this but I literally just forgot what I was about to write! I'm getting really tired of these brainfart moments. It was something about eating or being with friends. Obviously you can tell by the background I was in Hawaii. and I miss it and som many people so much. I'm waiting for some beachfront property to magically come into my life! i need to have some ocean!

I mean come on! don't you wanna see this in a bikini all the time! Especially now with my stretch marks and wide booty?! I know someone who wouldn't mind :) haha. I know I do have a little bump here but it's nothing compaired to now! I remember this day with Tara. it was one of my last weeks before I moved so I was always soaking up the sun. I can't believe what a slacker I've been on my tan this summer! I know I don't have a pool but Janel's neighbor said come over any time! I think during these last two weeks I'm really gonna try to take advantage of the pool.

This is at about 25 weeks I believe. I'm now living at Janels and getting a little bigger from all the delicious food we cook and all the parties Janel is CONSTANTLY planning and throwing for people. But i love having an excuse to eat all the goodies. I was kinda worried about getting diabetes but I'm all good, had my glucose test like three weeks ago and I'm good to go! But I'm sooooo greatful to be living at the Lamb's and I love having all my things put away and my cute things out that I've bought in Bali and Korea and I love having all my little memories out to see!

Janel and I did scrubs one day out at the pool and it was so nice to do a spa treatment and relax. And I'm getting a little bigger, around 30 weeks at this point.

And Janel did my hair all cute and light again for my shower, Love it! I think I'm 32 weeks here.

Katies Birthday party very fun! it's cool to know that Killian and little Jeeter will only be a month apart and hopefully we'll live a bit closer that San Tan Valley/Flagstaff. I'd prefer down the street. and that goes for everyone! we should all live down the street from eachother! I really want our old house back. If I could magically one day come into the money and Dana would no longer exist then maybe one day my dream will come true! haha.

For a fun little summer get away we went to Las Vegas and I actually got to see the Bellagio Fountains this time! Kinda missed them last time. or maybe didn't notice they were going off. :)

And here's the little one. I got an unltra sound at 8weeks in CO but I didn't look at it. I was too freaked out. Then my one from 16weeks was just too hard to see. I'm not good at seeing what's there I guess. But this one was around 35 weeks and you can clearly see his little hand here and I think to the left of that is a shot up his nose. I think! not sure. But the doc said he looks VERY well fed and healthy and brain and heart look good so I'm not planning on anything but a healthy baby boy to arrive in two weeks.

This is my favorite. I actually get a little glimpse. even though I think his nose looks smooshed against something. but I love his lips and little chin and chubby cheeks! He's gonna be adorable. Killian Jax DeRusha, ah, I can't wait to meet you. and you really need to hurry up cause I'm getting anxious! But I'm sure you'll be here soon enough. I'm not gonna rush you. I'm so excited to lay you on your little bed and put you in all your cute clothes and wash you and sing to you and be your mom. I can't believe that I'm actually gonna be a mom. It still hasn't totally registered I guess. But now that I've start this "count down" I had better get used to the idea. I really can't wait honestly, I think I'll be pretty darn good at it. I've had amazing examples to watch and learn from. I am so lucky to have wonderful women and men to seek advice and wisdom from no matter what. And I'm so thinkful for all the experiences in my life that had molded me into who I am today. I'm definitley a blessed daughter of God. And I'm glad I'm home.

Memories and Plans (some)

I think I left off on the last blog with getting to AZ. I'm back in AZ now... happy, sad? happy, sad? I'm definitely more happy. Happier because I'm with family, who are all very cool people, interesting, eclectic, and inspiring. Sad because I do miss all my "second" family from Hawaii. My girls. Kaili, Tara L., Jen, Tara P., Kimmie, Maygan, Jenny, Janice, all my Spa Luana girls and Turtle Bay family. I do miss going into work at T-bay. Some times I just get sad remembering driving into work in my fun little car blasting Techno and dance music singing at the top of my lungs. Loving everything about life, how beautiful Hawaii was everyday, green trees, colorful flowers, blue skies and sparkling ocean water. And pulling up to the booth and saying hi to all the Aloha greeters. Ahhhh, such fun times. I really enjoyed being able to go surf for an hour or two before going into work too, nothing like a little ocean water to balance you out before a day of giving massages to a bunch of rich ungreatful snobs (some of the time) mostly they weren't too bad. the big "groups" like AIG were the WORST! bunch of ungreatful theives! haha. The best part of closing the Spa was playing after ;) Steam rooms, waxing, makeup, painting toenails! hehe. Hey! When your boss tells you you can't leave because you're the only female therapist even though you have no appointments, what are we supposed to do! I usually clocked out. Anyways, I hope I don't get in trouble for that...
Hawaii was a great place for me to get to grow up and learn a lot about myself and who I am. I learned who I definitely DIDN'T want to be... thank you Kaili... and I gained experience with good friends and most of all I had my first love. Super long story, but man did that boy put up with a lot. He still does. Bopper will always be the biggest part of my growing up journey.
What else... I learned about being healthy, through healthy eating(some organic and raw), (and there was some bad eating too) Like the time Kaili and I went to my house and ate every peice of fruit we could find with frutia dipping chocolate! like three jars of it!) workouts with Tara, kickboxing, Bobby's class on thursdays, yoga, "stress" relief with Jen, :) and all sorts of things. Really it was just nice to get to have all those years to just worry about me. Just me being my only responsibility. My selfish years. Cause now it's no longer about me alone anymore. yay! Once I get the little guy here we'll get settled back into a good routine, get some cash inflow going and go from there.
Some future plans definitely include going to Costa Rica. I really want to go work at Kelea Surf Spa there. and maybe even doing it in Hawaii for another Season. we'll see... 1st priority is Killian, if he's not a happy traveler we may have a problem, if he's good then first priority is getting funds to go to all these places. Good thing is they're not total vacations, it's a business trip!
Anyways, those are some of the thoughts in my head. One thing I have been trying to learn is to do things with a little more preparation than in the past, but I still like to be spontaneous! If I meet some amazing guy I'll know he's the one if he's down for all the travels :) otherwise... sorry buddy.

6AM posts...

Okay, alright already, stop buggin' me I'll try this blogging thing again.
Honestly I prefer to write things on facebook to friends individually cause I know who's reading what and I don't upset anybody by things I say. So here is my disclaimer... what I write is what I write. I will never post anything that is intentionally hurtful so if you don't like it then don't read it.
I guess that's my biggest fear with blogging is what are people gonna think about what I write or post or put on here. I've decided to not care and this will just be my little "public journal". Probably mostly for the upcoming months of no sleep, early morning feedings, diaper changes, crying and who knows what. Oh, and one more thing, I'm terrible at spelling, grahamar, run on sentences, punctuation and leaving the Caps Lock on for sentences at a time. I'll do my best but I may just look at it and not change it or not even notice it! but back to what I was saying... Yes I'm having my baby boy in September, Well hopefully august. There are ZERO August birthdays in my family that consists of seven kids and currently eleven grandkids. I'm not positive on extended fam but I think out of eighteen people it seems kinda strange. So I'm gonna shoot for August. and even though it probably won't happen I honestly have had the date set at August 28th in my head since I found out about the little bugger. I'll tell that story another time.
Alot has been going on in my life since my last post which was I think a year ago. I think that last time I wrote I was newly single and was planning my summer vacation around the world. World turned into Bali, and then I threw in some fun stops along the way in Korea to see my brother and meet Sang Mi, and a couple 24hr layovers in Taiwan and Kuala Lumpur so I could get a couple more stamps in the passport and see some quick highlights of the cities. This is where I struggle a bit. I want to put photos up for yall so I need to learn how to throw them inbetween the writing where I want them. Next posts will be individual countries with photos I promise! So then after the most amazing Trip was over and I was back in Hawaii I decided to try a new home. I moved to Colorado Springs. Ugh... not the best choice of my life so far. Hopefully I'll be more prayerful next time and less stubborn. I really hoped things were going to just flow there and they didn't mostly due to my lack of planning and preparation. But had I not gone there I may still be in Hawaii really not going anywhere in life. I love Hawaii but I think it's turned into a place for me to visit. I will always love the time I lived there with all my heart but it changed so much and so fast. It went from a summer vacation with my girls from high school to where I was going to massage school (and never getting to surf) To where I worked my a$$ off to afford rent, where I met my first love and some of the funnest friends I've ever had, to a place that was no longer my 1960's surf poster of Gidget and little grass shacks and pina coladas. It became something else sadly. I always wanted to just have a simple life there but it's almost impossible now with all the people crowding the North Shore and HUGE outragious surf scene, all the dumb pro's that ruin it more than they think they do and way to much drama for my little paradise. I can see going back there in a few years and not even recognizing the place. I'm not saying I don't think it's an amazing place, because it is. I just got caught up in too many things. I would love to do it all over again tomorrow and make some changes but I'll just have to wait. Okay so after the move to Colorado Springs (which I'll post on later) I just wanted to go home. At first I felt that was Hawaii for me. I needed to see my friends and my beaches and get in the ocean to wash the stink and the tears and the heartbreak off from Colorado. Once again I should have had a little more of a plan than I did but I was just happy to back. I had a little job doing massage and I made enough to live on but not enough for rent. Being pregnant I knew I was going to need some help. But I 'm not one to ask for it. I like to do things for myself. always have. So I just struggled and waited to the last minute, got on a plane, made a quick stop in California to see a best friend, and HERE I AM! In Arizona. I am very happy now. But I was scared at first. I feel like my life is back at ground zero. Like I just graduated high school and have nothing! It sucks. But it's part of a necessary pride cycle for me I suppose. I'm still trying to be okay with it. But the best part is that it's been more fun and uplifting and inspiring than I imagined it would be. The last few years in Hawaii I was searching for something, peace, balance, spirituality, knowledge, experience. I don't know. but now that I'm back at my roots, It feels like those things are just a natural part of life. I don't have to look for anything. It's right here. I love my family and they love me more than I realized. Not sure why I ever questioned it. But I know that no matter who I am or what I do they will always be there. Cause I feel the same way about them.
Wow that was a quick recap of the last five years. Believe me a lot more went on in there so I have some memory lane blogging to do. I'm sure there will be time ;)